Industrial Workers of the World

THE NEW DEVIL’S DICTIONARY

Or An Idiot’s Guide to Becoming a Commissar (Functionary)

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The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words. - Philip K. Dick

A

Adult, n., 1. What you become when you finally give up any hope of seeing your dreams come to fruition, of developing your creative potential or of even living in a basically sane society and submit to the powers that control and bore us. John made a very adult decision to give up on childish dreams of workers’ self-management and having any control over the course of his own destiny.

Australia, n., 1. The only reason you need. Asking questions is very un-Australian.

Anarchy, n., 1. A useful scareword for frightening people into accepting authoritarian incursions into their freedoms that they would otherwise consider completely intolerable. Look, this brain implant that allows us to monitor your brainwaves for signs of independent thought is the only thing standing between us and total anarchy.

2. A good scapegoat for the violence and brutality of every power structure that ever existed. Anarchy is chaos, okay. That’s pretty fucking rich considering the fact that wars and other instances of man’s inhumanity to man committed in the name of coercive power structures and the vested interests behind them is THE defining characteristic of human history.

B

Balanced, n., 1. Any point of view that correlates with that of the owner of a daily newspaper. When John suggested that it was not in the best interests of everyone to lick the shoes of newspaper owners, he was being very unbalanced.

Blasphemer, n., 1. Anyone with such uncultivated manners as to infer one way or the other that the function of orthodox Christianity was to control through fear in the name of love. That blasphemer says orthodox religious doctrine functions to habituate workers to a hierarchical social order in which they play the part of passive tools. He is clearly the devil’s pawn.

Bleeding Heart, n., 1. Anyone who demonstrates basic empathy for the poor and downtrodden. The bleeding heart was not able to fully repress his ability to feel.

Bin Laden, Osama, p.n., 1. A godsend. We had to dismantle civil liberties in the name of defending them from Osama Bin Laden.

C

Choice, n., 1. When used in political terms, the ability of the people to determine for themselves which leader will tell them how to think and act instead of having one simply imposed on them from above. Choosing your masters makes you free.

2. When used in economic terms, the ability to determine for yourself which commodities you throw into the bottomless pit of your alienation. Take the Pepsi challenge!

3. That which must be avoided at all costs under pains of having to assume responsibility for the consequences of one’s actions. John made a choice between the contenders for the leadership, thereby deferring having to make any more choices for another four years.

Civilisation, n., 1. The barbarity and savagery we perpetuate. We had to destroy the village in order to save it.

Civilising, n., 1. The work of beating the independence, self-reliance, autonomy and self-respect out of foreign peoples in order to make them passive, submissive human resources for multinational corporations. The civilising mission brought the heathen savages Jesus, Coca-Cola and Justin Bieber.

Common Good, n., 1. The self-interest of elites. We had to use taxpayer money to subsidise the diamond-studded ivory backscratcher industry in the interests of the common good.

Communist, n., 1. Anyone who doesn’t agree with the right of laissez-faire capitalists to do whatever they feel like in the name of making money, regardless of the consequences for anyone else.

2. Anyone who doesn’t submit enthusiastically to your capitalistic orthodoxy or dogma of choice. I think that guy who yawned while I was outlining the reasons why Ayn Rand was a genius is a goddamn commie.

Counter-terrorism, n., 1. The violence of the strong, by definition a response to the violence of the weak and never instigated without provocation as in the case of, uh…terrorism. The government carried out a programme of counter-terrorism against the evildoers. See also: Terrorism.

Cynic, n., 1. One who doesn’t believe everything they’re told. Dude, you are so cynical. Don’t you know the corporations are our friends?

D

Developing World, n., 1. Poor countries held in chronic poverty and social stagnation so that you can wear Nike high-tops while hanging out at the mall. If I developed that slowly people would think I was dead.

Drive, n., 1. Greed. The main reason Barry likes to rent slaves to pay less in wages than the value of the product of their labour is because he’s so driven.

E

Economy, n., 1. The power and privileges of those who dominate the economy. The government requests that you work very hard and not ask questions in the interests of maintaining a healthy and vibrant economy.

Equal Opportunity, n., 1. The right and ability of each to acquire wealth and power and to lie, cheat and steal in the name of truth, justice and equality.

2. The right and ability of each to become a perpetrator instead of a victim. It was thanks to the Equal Opportunity laws that Jane was able to break through the glass ceiling and exploit workers as ruthlessly as her male colleagues.

Evil, n., 1. That which is opposed to power. I think that outbreak of independent thought over there smacks of evil. Terrorist! Communist! Blasphemer!

Extremism, n., 1. That which challenges the status quo. That critique of the totalitarian hierarchy that characterises the average corporation smacks of extremism.

Extremist, n., 1. Anyone to the left of, say, Tony Blair. You must be one of those liberal extremists.

F

Faith, n., 1. Blind, unquestioning obedience. I must beat all traces of independent thought out of my brain as a demonstration of my devotion to the faith.

Faithful, n., 1. The herd. The faithful walked silently in line and did not ask any questions.

Fear, n., 1. A vital tool in the maintenance of power, without which the plebs would start getting funny ideas about taking control of their own lives and instituting regimes of workers control and self-management. We are beset by evil; anyone who does not submit to our orthodoxy completely is an agent of the devil.

Flexible, n., 1. Broken. The workers went on strike but we broke the union and then we broke their spirits, and afterwards we found them to be much more flexible and accommodating. See also: Human resource.

Freedom, n., 1. The ability and right of the rich and powerful to do whatever they feel like regardless of the consequences for anyone else. Any attempt to infringe on my ability to monopolise social resources and rent slaves is a threat to the freedoms that made this nation great. See also: Representative democracy.

Free Market, n., 1. The economic system by which the military industrial complex provides massive state subsidies to private industry and the state rewards incompetence and irresponsibility by bailing out failing companies while imposing austerity on the poor. The subprime lender handed out bad loans as fast as he could because he knew that when the bubble burst the government would bail him out.

2. The principle that the ownership of private property is the basis of human freedom, and thus that only those who possess private property are human. We had to defend the free market from the unpeople who claimed we were unable to tell the difference between freedom and license.

Free World, The, n., 1. The Empire. The global order in which the rich, powerful countries of the North dominate and exploit the poor, weak countries of the South. We of the Free World must intervene in the affairs of this nation and overthrow their government in order to protect freedom and prevent the evildoers from extending their influence. See also: Freedom, Free Market, Representative Democracy.

G

God, p.n., 1. Object of irrational idol worship upon whom all the creative potentialities of the alienated individual are subconsciously projected as a means of avoiding having to learn to take responsibility for the consequences of one’s actions. You might think it was the collective industry of billions of workers over hundreds of generations that made the world, but actually it was all done by God in seven days.

2. A schizophrenic tyrant and jealous Big Brother-type figure who rules through fear in the name of love. Most useful for keeping the lower orders under control. If God didn’t exist, it would be necessary to invent him, for the people need a religion.

Good, n., 1. That which serves power. We must crush those who do not think the same way we do in the name of all that is righteous and good. See also: Evil.

Growth, n., 1. That article of free-market ideology that stipulates that the Earth is an infinite resource and infinite garbage dump. The right-wing newspaper columnist argued that the nation’s national parks should be turned over to mining companies in the interests of growth.

H

Human Resources, n., 1. Objects that are exploited like any other resource until their value is used up, at which point they are thrown away. Have the unfortunate tendency to sometimes challenge your authoritah. The human resource was getting very uppity with its questions and its refusal to obey. See also: Flexibility.

I

Ignorance, n., 1. Possession or awareness of such facts, ideas, truths or principles that promote social change or challenges your favourite ideology or dogma. That lefty scumbag is very ignorant of the moral superiority of laissez-faire ideology. See also: Poofter.

J

Jobs, n., 1. What every politician invokes every time they want to defend the system of private accumulation, which is based not on the jobs motive but on the profit motive. The government is very concerned about protecting jobs. See also: Representative Democracy.

L

Lie, n., 1. A necessary part of looking after the best interests of those who are too stupid to define their best interests themselves yet intelligent enough to vote for you. One must lie in order to protect the labouring classes from themselves.

M

Moderate, n., 1. Any dictator who does what he’s told. Mahmoud Ahmandinejad is a violent extremist, whereas Pervez Musharraf is like a fluffy bunny with a big hat.

Money, n., 1. A prehistoric fetish that makes fat, pompous bores attractive. I hate everyone who disagrees with you too. What a remarkable coincidence.

N

National Security, n., 1. The security of the power and privileges of those who own and control the nation. We had to outlaw independent thought in the interests of national security.

Negative, n., 1. The tendency to try to develop a critical awareness and think for yourself instead of just allowing yourself to be told what to think by those who claim to have your best interests at heart. Dude, why do you have to be so negative about organised religion?

Normal, n., 1. Whatever brand of madness you’ve internalised. Johnny found the world where some people had more stuff than they needed and other people didn’t have enough quite normal.

O

Order, n., 1. Any form of chaos and disorder perpetuated by the rich and powerful. Usually has something to do with the maintenance of the institution of private property despite the profoundly chaotic and anti-social nature of the for-profit economic system. Soldiers patrolled the streets to maintain order while the government threw billions of dollars into the economy to prevent it from collapsing.

P

Patriotism, n., 1. The last refuge of the scoundrel and also the first.

2. The notion that the greatness of the nation derives from the ability of the average citizen to worship a flag, ignore history where history conflicts with the national mythology and allow themselves to be strung along by the nose. If you want to maintain power just tell the people you’re being attacked and denounce pacifists for lack of patriotism.

Poofter, n., 1. One who provides an argument against something you believe based on empirical logic derived from evidence rather than emotive conjecture derived from preconceived prejudice. That poofter thinks he’s so clever with all that book-learning and all those big words and all those fancy-pants facts.

Pre-Emption, n., 1. The notion that you are a victim, and that your victimhood entitles you to act exactly like what you claim to be reacting against. That other kid in the sandpit was going to hit me and take the spade so that was why I had to hit him and take the spade first. What are you punishing me for? I’m the victim here! WAAAAAA.

Public, n., 1. The vested interests. The President resisted calls for a public option as part of healthcare reform, claiming there was no public support for such a proposal.

Public Good, n., 1. That which any capable politician will immediate invoke when attempting to carry out unpopular measures that will only benefit the ultra-rich and disadvantage everyone else. We are abolishing all taxes on the richest 5% of the population and making up the shortfall by conscripting your first-born child into state-run labour camps in the interests of the public good.

R

Realism, n., 1. The practise of defining reality as whatever delusion or hallucination legitimises institutionalised power and privilege. We all found the article arguing that free market ideology was the direct word of God and that anyone who thought otherwise was a sexual pervert to be very realistic.

Reform, n., 1. Any draconian legislation that rolls back what few rights you have and gives more wealth and power to people who already have too much of both. The legislation to reintroduce chattel slavery was heralded by the corporate media as an important reform that would spur growth.

Representative Democracy, n., 1. The illusion of choice and the reality of a novel and unprecedented form of social control in which centre-right and far-right factions of a single-party state representing society’s dominant moneyed interests masquerade as a two-party state and take turns fleecing the public, who are in turn granted the privilege of choosing the method of their fleecing—the carrot or the stick. I voted for the millionaire from the left.

2. The process by which the people facilitate the flowering of their deepest, innermost creative potential as individuals by choosing their political masters instead of having them imposed on them from above. I voted and yet strangely I still feel alienated. See also: Anarchy.

S

Saviour Complex, n., 1. The apparent malfunction of anyone who feels that living in a basically sane world would be sort of, well, a nice break with tradition. People who are critical of the fact that the US committed the supreme international crime of aggression by invading Iraq, and that they did it using the pre-emptive principle that Hitler used to start WW2 in the name of spreading democracy, are all the same. They all want to save the world.

Security Forces, n., 1. The forces of state reaction. Security forces cracked down on the troublemakers demanding a basically sane society.

Sensible, n., 1. Servile. The speech denouncing dissent as aiding terrorists was very sensible.

Security, n., 1. That which politicians dangling evil bogeymen in our faces promise us in exchange for our freedom. Those who exchange liberty for security deserve neither.

2. A state in which everyone is very nervous, anxious and afraid and feels compelled to cling to authoritarian strongmen who they hope will save them from evil. I was feeling very nervous so I voted for the guy who said he would protect me from the bogeyman de jure.

Stability, n., 1. What we say goes. Dissent was shut out of the mainstream in the interests of stability.

State, n., 1. To some, God on Earth. To others, a glorified protection racket that facilitates the oppression and exploitation of the working classes by the propertied classes, usually in the name of defending it from some sort of evildoer or ‘the inherent evil in human nature’ or some shit. If the state protects human beings who are inherently evil from themselves, who protects us from those who protect us?

T

Terrorism, n., 1. The violence of the weak. On September 11 the evildoers carried out an act of terrorism. See also: Counter-terrorism.

V

Victim, n., 1. The mentality best suited to rationalising the sense of entitlement that allows you to do whatever the hell you feel like regardless of the consequences for anyone else. We’re allowed to commit the supreme international crime of aggressively invading another country because they are evil and our country is a victim.

W

Work, n., 1. An institution, referred to by certain ne’er-do-wells as wage-slavery, loved most by enthusiastic pawns and those who never have to do any themselves by virtue of being the ones who order other people around instead. I went to work and obeyed all orders without question.

X

Xenophobia, n., 1. A useful way of distracting attention away from the fact that capitalism doesn’t really work very well. It’s the fault of all the dark-skinned people who speak funny and don’t know much about AFL and not a fundamentally unjust system that our lives suck.

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